TheBig Blog

To Be Continued...

stephen — 2008-04-10 12:23:38

Hey y�all,

This will be the last report from TheBig Blog (in its current incarnation anyway).� As a kid, I used to rearrange my furniture every couple of months or so.� (I always wondered why the bed was the only piece of bedroom furniture that had wheels on it.)� That�s basically what I�m doing here.� I�m moving my blogging over to Stephen�z Page.� I don�t know what else I have personal over at TheBigWhiteWolf.com, but it will likely end up there, as well.� I�m not going to give you a new e-mail address to memorize, because let�s face it:� I don�t want to change my address everywhere.

Don�t fret, as Stephen�z Blog will be just as fun and entertaining as TheBig Blog.� I think it looks prettier, and I know it is more functional.� Hopefully, the new commenting system will be much better than the last and I won�t be getting any spamvertisements for ED pills, watches, handbags, or handbags containing ED pills and watches.

Anyways, I know you�re itching for a link to the address, so here goes:

blog.stephenzpage.com

Now, run check out what I said over there.� :-)

-Stephen

I'm so glad we had this time together,
Just to have a laugh, and sing a song.
Seems we just got started and before we knew it
Came the time we had to say, 'So long.'

Honestly Sarah, you're not that bad...

stephen — 2008-03-19 14:50:14

Somehow, Sarah Jessica Parker made it to the very top of the bottom (or would that be the bottom of the bottom?) as a Maxim magazine article has recently named her the �Unsexiest Woman Alive.� Really? I mean, look at her. When it comes to huhu grrr *stampa stampa*...okay, maybe that�s not the best set of words (?) to use in this situation...but I mean, unsexy? Who votes on these things? More appropriately, who nominates people for these things? Let�s look at the rest of the top five:

Amy Winehouse
Sandra Oh
Madonna
Britney Spears

Okay, Amy Winehouse has really let herself go. Letting oneself go contributes to unsexy, which would explain Britney�s appearance on the list. (Let me take this opportunity to say that this isn�t a �Leave Sarah alone!!!� posting...) Sandra Oh portrays a mean character on Grey�s Anatomy, but is she really that bad? Madonna is pushing 50, so you can�t tell me she doesn�t look good for her age.

C�mon Maxim...you aren�t trying hard enough. I�m sure you could look through your list of celebrities and come up with some women who would make you shudder! Granted, the first thought that comes out of my head at 99% of who is on TV isn�t �now that�s an unattractive woman right there.� I mean, what about Hillary Clinton? She ain�t no Jackie-O. And have the people at Maxim never watched The View? (Well, I haven�t seen The View in its current incarnation, but a quick look at the website tells me that I�m about half correct.)

Sarah is a good-looking woman. If she was as hideous as these people are making her out to be, I wouldn�t let her be on a poster in my living room. Perhaps we all need to tweak our sexy compasses? I mean, granted, if you don�t treat your body like it�s sexy, (Britney and Amy), then agreed, that�s not very sexy. However, if certain features are out of proportion, does that really mean unsexy? No! It means they�re real! Well...sometimes certain features can be VERRRY out of proportion and be quite artificial. I was meaning natural features. Even when the ears are small, the nose is long, the eyes are far apart, the hips are wide, etc., these women can be sexy, too.

So, try again, Maxim. This time, pick some real unsexy women...and good luck finding them.

TFP: Mid March Madness!!!

stephen — 2008-03-16 16:21:33

Hey y�all.� It�s time for some more funny pages.� Sooner or later I�m going to get around to blogging about something meaningful to either your or me, but for now, I�ll have a few jokes for ya.

We�ll start out with a few quickies...

Quickie 1: �No More

I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and drinking too much and it scared the heck out of me. So I told myself, "That's it!"

After today, no more reading.

Q2:� I Feel Like a Bridge

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
The Doctor says, "What's come over you?"
The guy says, "Three cars and a truck!"

Q3:� Timing Is Everything

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"

The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Q4:� Playing With Our Words

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

Q5:� Vegetative State

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.

He says to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

And now, sports:� Bad Golfer

Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

Political Commentary

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give them all a cow.

And your groaner to go:� Price of a Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

TFP: A Poem for Women

stephen — 2008-03-10 11:49:19

This one's dedicated to all you married women out there:

A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and SMACKED him...
Like his Mother used to do.

Believable math problem!

stephen — 2008-03-04 16:28:46

Here�s what we analytical type people do with their spare time:�

Today I received an e-mail with an �unbelievable math problem� in it.� It told me to �grab a calculator� because I wouldn�t be able to do it in my head.� Actually, if I had a piece of paper, a pencil, and a little bit of time, I wouldn�t need the calculator.� Here�s the text of the e-mail:

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.�

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your� head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)�

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1�

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number�

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250�

9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?�

Okay, so let�s write it out and see what we get.� We�ll call the first three digits of your phone number �a� and the last four digits �b�.� So we�ve got:

(250(80a+1)+2b-250)/2�

Let�s clean that up by multiplying the 250 times the 80a+1�

(20000a+250+2b-250)/2�

Well, the +250 and the -250 cancel each other out, so:

(20000a+2b)/2�

And if we divide by 2�

10000a+b�

Since a = the first three digits of your phone number, (let�s say 555), 10000a would equal 5550000.� Remember, you just put the zeroes at the end and put your original number at the beginning or something like that.� Then when you add b, the last four digits of your phone number (say 9999), you get 5559999.

Yeah, I wasn�t stumped.� Mrs. Headley would be proud.

TFP: Tender Missionary Treats

stephen — 2008-02-19 14:12:41

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
�

Things you can learn from your dog...

stephen — 2008-02-14 13:30:43

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.

- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

- Take naps and stretch before rising.

- Run, romp, and play daily.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

- Be loyal.

- Never pretend to be something you're not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

TFP: "My Redneck Valentine" by Anon.

stephen — 2008-02-14 09:06:03

Collards are green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flappin in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in may.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth
for which I am proud.
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed..

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete.
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me "n" you's like a moon pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for a Valentine's Day,
they git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
for the cooler at Krogers,
that's impressive, I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever",
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you..

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds....

IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!

Now hear this! Why Raleigh and Durham are experiencing water difficulties...

stephen — 2008-02-12 14:15:45

This is an open letter to the City of Raleigh that I received in a newsletter from Plant Delights Nursery in Raleigh, NC.� It points the finger where the blame should be placed!

I continue to await an article that correctly shows who is responsible for the current water shortage, but alas, no luck. Let�s look at the facts. Raleigh was 7.24" (17%) below normal for its annual rainfall in 2007. In 2006, Raleigh was 10.64" (25%) above normal in rainfall. For a two-year period, that put us well above average. Is this the first time we�ve had well below normal annual rainfall? Of course not. 2005, was nearly as dry as we ended that year 5.5" below normal. What did city officials do after that dry year? They continued to encourage growth, sell more water, and did nothing to increase future water supply. If you look at area lake levels, you will notice Gaston Lake and Kerr Lake are full. Jordan Lake is only down 8", while Falls Lake is 8.4' below normal and Lake Michie is 7.3' below normal. Why are the differences so dramatic...poor planning! Being a Raleigh native, I remember in 1981 when Falls and Jordan Lakes were completed and City officials assured us Raleigh and surrounding towns would never again face a water shortage or water restrictions. Fast forward 27+ years and residents are now being blamed for the current water shortage, and are being asked to change their lifestyle because City leaders didn�t properly do their job. Raleigh officials have oversold their supply of water while encouraging growth beyond their ability to supply water. Planning based on average rainfall forgets to take into account that averages are just that...averages of two extremes...below normal years and above normal years. Imagine a business the size of Raleigh or Durham making such an egregious error in planning. Such a lack of foresight and poor management would most certainly result in immediate dismissal of officers and board members, as it should.

Any farmer will tell you the first thing to do in a drought is to clean the silt from your pond or lake, greatly enlarging your pool of available water. Since the 2002 drought, I have watched and waited for Raleigh and Durham to clean the silt from their water supplies, yet from driving by the lakes, this has still not been done. Without a doubt, it�s more difficult for a municipality, since they must work through the Army Corp of Engineers, and have the silt tested for contaminants, but surely this should have been put on the fast track after 2002. I�ve heard cost mentioned as a reason this didn�t occur, but that doesn�t pass the laugh test. Compared to the loss of revenue from water sales and the tax revenue being lost by affected businesses, this is false economics. Having driven by area lakes, the amount of silt...i.e. rich topsoil, in both lakes is huge, with its removal nearly doubling the water storage capacity. The financial investment of cleaning the lakes could be easily offset by selling the dredged topsoil to homeowners, landscapers, and developers.�

Instead, Raleigh leaders have opted to further punish homeowners and the green industry (nurseries, landscapers) businesses by outlawing hand watering. I keep waiting for these same leaders to require all restaurants to close or only use paper plates and cups. How about that long-awaited ban of drinking Aquifina water, which is pumped from Falls Lake? Yes, if the spigot to the Pepsi-Cola plant (Raleigh�s largest municipal customer) was shut off, the water savings would be tremendous. Instead, city leaders have chosen the easy path of punishing only the green industry...and now the power washing industry. All other industries are only asked to follow best management practices.

It seems we need to clue the Council in that the green industry produces and sells a living product that cannot be installed without water. These are the same city leaders that require our plants to be used in the form of a mandatory landscape ordinance. Imagine the outrage if our esteemed leaders did something equally as bizarre and banned pet watering and bathing. To not allow any hand watering for the green industry is the same as forcing a non-water dependant business to close. Where�s the common sense? We�re all willing to do our part, but we are not willing to shoulder the entire burden for the city�s lack of planning. Let�s start by cutting off the water to these same city leaders that got us into this situation. Then, let�s rescind the hand-watering ban and please, let�s think before passing any more ridiculous regulations that put so many people out of business and residents out of work...shame, shame, shame!�

-Tony Avent

My sentiments exactly, Tony!

Check it out! How's THIS for lens envy?!?

stephen — 2008-02-06 13:15:34

I want one!!!� But ya know, you've gotta have a nice tripod to go along with it...� Yeah.

http://www.bhphotovideo.com/c/find/newsLetter/Mother-of-All-L-Lenses.jsp

Now you know why they call themselves "Canon."�� :-)