19 Mar, 2008
Honestly Sarah, you're not that bad...
Somehow, Sarah Jessica Parker
made it to the very top of the bottom (or would that be the bottom of the
bottom?) as a Maxim magazine article has recently named her the “Unsexiest
Woman Alive.” Really?
I mean, look at her. When it
comes to huhu grrr *stampa stampa*...okay, maybe that’s not the best set of
words (?) to use in this situation...but I mean, unsexy? Who votes on these things? More appropriately, who nominates people for
these things? Let’s look at the rest of
the top five:
- Amy Winehouse
- Sandra Oh
- Madonna
- Britney Spears
Okay, Amy Winehouse has really let herself go. Letting oneself go contributes to unsexy, which would explain Britney’s appearance on the list. (Let me take this opportunity to say that this isn’t a “Leave Sarah alone!!!” posting...) Sandra Oh portrays a mean character on Grey’s Anatomy, but is she really that bad? Madonna is pushing 50, so you can’t tell me she doesn’t look good for her age.
C’mon Maxim...you aren’t trying
hard enough. I’m sure you could look
through your list of celebrities and come up with some women who would make you
shudder! Granted, the first thought that
comes out of my head at 99% of who is on TV isn’t “now that’s an unattractive
woman right there.” I mean, what about
Hillary Clinton? She ain’t no Jackie-O. And have the people at Maxim never watched
The View? (Well, I haven’t seen The View
in its current incarnation, but a quick look at the website tells me that I’m
about half correct.)
Sarah is a good-looking woman. If she was as hideous as these people are making her out to be, I wouldn’t let her be on a poster in my living room. Perhaps we all need to tweak our sexy compasses? I mean, granted, if you don’t treat your body like it’s sexy, (Britney and Amy), then agreed, that’s not very sexy. However, if certain features are out of proportion, does that really mean unsexy? No! It means they’re real! Well...sometimes certain features can be VERRRY out of proportion and be quite artificial. I was meaning natural features. Even when the ears are small, the nose is long, the eyes are far apart, the hips are wide, etc., these women can be sexy, too.
So, try again, Maxim. This time, pick some real unsexy women...and good luck finding them.
12 Feb, 2008
Now hear this! Why Raleigh and Durham are experiencing water difficulties...
This is an open letter to the City of Raleigh that I received in a newsletter from Plant Delights Nursery in Raleigh, NC. It points the finger where the blame should be placed!
05 Feb, 2008
To Open: Lift Flap and Tear at End ----------->
WHY?!?
That is the big question. Why do they have to put instructions on how to open candy? Here I was thinking I had to buy Billy Mays's new and exciting Candy Opener 3000™. I was going to just tear it open without lifting the flap, but as it turns out, I had to lift the flap first. Ya know, the more I think about it, the worse this situation actually is. Many times I've tried following the instructions for opening many Hersheys products which have two ovals. One on the end says hold here, and the one on the flap says pull here. When I do that, the flap comes off in my hand and I have yet to see any exposed chocolate. Then I have to rely on the Candy Opener 3000™.
While pondering this, I happened to think of other products which tell us how to open them. Milk cartons, for instance, say "open other end." What is the difference between the two ends? Are they really made that differently? I can recall many times in school when I had trouble opening one end and I had to resort to opening the "wrong" end of the carton... Prescription bottles, I can see the need for how to open them. They actually require a little bit of extra thought, and when one is in need of medication, dexterity and thought processes typically don't come as easily as they do when one is well.
Ice Breakers Mints and Sours have a cutesy way of saying "open here" with their "to share" and "not to share" doors on their container. I don't want everyone's grubby little fingers on my mints. You'll get the "not to share" side just like I will. I'll shake them out like Tic-Tacs.
25 Apr, 2007
Attention big white lady in the big white Lincoln...
(Sigh…) Ya know, people, I’ve come to you with some of these suggestions before. This time I’m begging you to please head my words. If you don’t know what you’re doing, please don’t do anything to hinder those who do know what they’re doing.
I’m speaking to you, gray-haired woman in the big white
I will keep posting this until you people learn how to drive.
That is all.
(More)06 Dec, 2006
Targeted Marketing
So I was listening to John Boy and Billy this morning on The Rooster 106.1. I heard an ad for job openings with the National Security Administration.
Your typical "Big Show" listener holds the key to our national security. Why not...they've already got the arsenal.
31 Oct, 2006
Of Mice and Mens Rooms
(As a side note, I’m writing this at lunch, so I’m running my words together to conserve time and space.)
I hate most devices that were designed to conserve resources. I have no problem with wanting to conserve resources. I’m a cheap sonofagun. The only reason I use Charmin instead of the old standby one ply ScotTissue is because that is what my wife prefers and if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
But anyway, back to the devices used to conserve resources. I can conserve on my own, thankyouverymuch! Take the low-flow toilets for example…you know, those toilets which use like a pint of water to flush. That would be all fine and good if a pint of water would get the job done! So, if I have to flush the toilet until I get the job done, I’m probably going to end up using much more water than if I had a normal flow toilet!
Back in the day, and probably at many of the finer service stations, you will find the paper towel dispensers where you pull the lever the desired number of times to get the correct amount of paper towel dispensed which you need to dry your hands. I’ve known for some time now, that I need four and one half pulls on the lever to get the exact amount of paper towel I need to dry my hands. Now we have these new paper towel dispensers. You wave your hand in front of the magic sensor and out pops about 2/3 of the amount of paper towel I need to sufficiently dry my hands. Two-Thirds!!!! That’s three pulls on the manual dispenser! I need another pull and a half to get my hands dry! So what do I have to do? I have to wave my hand in front of the magic sensor and it dispenses twice as much as I need to get the job done! Maybe they should make the sensors so they sense the size of one’s hands in order to dispense a sufficient amount of paper towelage.
The day they start managing how much toilet paper they think I need will be a sad day for all of us. [Graphic references removed for your reading pleasure.]
(More)26 Oct, 2006
You have no privacy. Get over it.
"You have no privacy. Get over it." --Scott McNealy, SUN Microsystems
I don’t know what the deal is with these people and their MySpace pages where they want to turn on the “this profile is set to private”. What do you people have to hide? You’re 35 years old! You’ve been around awhile! It’s not like you can keep that many secrets for that long of a time!
Originally, it was designed for parents so their children wouldn’t get exploited over the internet. I realize that raising your children not to be promiscuous little teenagers might be a bit too difficult for most parents these days, so it is highly understandable that clicking a checkbox will keep little Susie and little Billy from trying to hook up with some creepy 40 year old dude.
Seriously, if you think that you have privacy, I refer you again to the quote at the top of the page. There is so much data available about you already, that if Johnny Number 5 was walking around with you, all he would be saying is “Input! Input! Input!!!” Think about it. When you use your discount card at the grocery store, there is a traceable record of every single item you just purchased. You don’t even have to use a credit card! Your dental records and medical records come in an instant from the state health department to the county health department. Sure they say “discreet packaging” and “XYZ Enterprises will appear discreetly on your statement”, but when you punch in “XYZ Enterprises” on Google, you get Star Trek costumes. I know people who thought they were getting away with something, but in the end, everyone at the party knew that Spock was coming.
I tend to ramble. I need to look into that...
25 Sep, 2006
My apologies to the intelligent -OR- Another MySpace rant
25 Sep, 2006
Wut R u ThinKIng?!?! LOL!!!11one?
newayz i gotta go now bcuz im
typin this in word and its trying to correct all my mystakes and this article
woodnt be funny if it had all the errors, lol!!!1
L8r Sk8r!1!oneleventy11one!
Get viruses etc with new smiley faces online! Click here now!!! 
07 Aug, 2006
Unlike a Good Neighbor -or- Good Neighbor Do's and Dont's
I grew up in a community...a township...an area defined by the crossroads located within about a quarter mile. I considered, and still do consider everyone within that quarter mile radius a good neighbor. Being the rural farming community that it is, all of our neighbors had at least one large vegetable garden. They would harvest their crops, and usually they would have far more than they could handle in their own freezers. That’s when they would come with their five gallon buckets to our front door, whereupon they would sometimes sit with us as we shelled purple hulled peas, or butter beans, or snapped snaps (green beans to you city folk, Yankees, foreigners, and other undesirables). I can remember more than one occasion where we went as a neighborhood to harvest the summer’s corn crop. That’s what good neighbors do.
When someone passes away in our community, our neighbor’s house becomes a covered dish luncheon. There may or may not be a wreath from our family to yours at your grandmother’s funeral. However, one thing you can count on is a chicken casserole, a bucket of fried chicken, or some other chicken product. There will be enough mashed potatoes, potato salad, and other potato product to fill the kitchen sink twice. Someone will undoubtedly stop by either the church or the fire department with a couple of igloo fishing coolers and bring by some ice so that you will be able to offer a refreshing soda to everyone who comes to visit. That’s what good neighbors do.
If your neighbor is on his tractor and has just broken up his garden, he just might cross the road to your garden and break it up without asking whether you want him to or not. If he’s out there with the bush hog and your bushes need hogging, he’ll do it! Your neighbor will get the scraper on his tractor when you’re getting an unsightly amount of gravel poured in your driveway. Your neighbor will also scrape your driveway when there’s a heavy snow. That’s what good neighbors do.
If a hurricane comes through and blows down a huge tree in your yard, your neighbor will come by and help cut it up. The only thing he may ask for in return is for you to allow him to hunt doves on your property, or perhaps to take some of the wood off of your hands for his heater. Good neighbors will trim trees hanging dangerously over the road if the DOT doesn’t get to it quickly enough. Good neighbors stop by the church to pitch in when heavy duty tree pruning is going on. That’s what good neighbors do.
A good neighbor doesn’t charge you more for insurance after being their neighbor for three years. A good neighbor doesn’t charge you more when you haven’t caused any accidents or had any tickets in your name. A good neighbor doesn’t take your money for months on end and give you nothing in return.
A good neighbor does, however, return your things when they’re done using them.
(More)19 Jun, 2006
Note to Self: Panda Inn
Ever.
Again.
It's not $3.99 anymore, and the food isn't any better than it was when it was only $3.99. They have things on there that are distinctly not Chinese. They have "Tamales de Pollo" (which are Hispanic), Jell-O cubes (which are American), Banana Pudding (recipe originally from the Confederate States of America), and frog legs and french fries (both of which are French, of course).
Even the traditional ending to a Chinese meal was too much of a match for them. Yes, I'm talking about the soft serve ice cream. Apparently by "soft serve" they mean "runny".
Next time we venture out for lunch, I'll suggest something like Ci Ci's if I'm in the mood for cheap buffet food. At least there we can watch ESPN. I'm not that into sports, mind you, but hearing the "Muzak" version of anything by Madonna is even less appetizing than the original.
I'll stick to the China Buffet which has better crystal chandeliers (sans Christmas bows) and other lighting. I have also given Ken permission to give me a swift kick in the groin for even suggesting a trip back to the Panda Inn.
(More)
07 Jun, 2006
Come, thy font of every punctuation mark!
That being said, how
difficult is it to create a full font set?
If you take the time to make twenty-six letters (fifty-two if you do
uppercase as well), and ten numbers, why not go ahead and make the punctuation
marks to go along with the set? I dunno
about you, but when I’m typing, I like to use things like, oh, I dunno, say,
commas? And question marks? And (sometimes) parentheses? Exclamation points?!?!? Periods.
“Quotation Marks” as they’re commonly known. Sentence fragments? (clarifying--not a punctuation mark, unlike
the hyphen)
I’m not saying to go as
far as making each and every character that goes in a font set, like the
foreign characters--you know, vowels with the punctuation marks over top of
them. If I wanted to type in a foreign
language, then I might get huffy. Come
to think of it, it doesn’t even call for making an entirely different
character, just two regular characters put together. The least you could do, Mister Fontsperson,
is create all of the characters you see on the keyboard. No fancy ALT+0169 characters or anything like
that, although they are much appreciated.
Don’t get me wrong,
fontspersons, I respect, appreciate, and enjoy the fruits of your labor, but
please, don’t finish your labor until your labor is finished. A missed period can mean terrible things.
18 May, 2006
Hot Over Overnight Flash
I'll be glad when I get away from all of these dang foreigners (this includes Yankees and other undesirables) who either don't have a license to drive, or don't have the good sense to be able to read either the English or Spanish version of the North Carolina State Driver's manual.
Today's rant: overnight flash.
At major intersections, a flashing light can cause traffic tie-ups for a lengthy period of time. This is partially due to the design of the overnight flash system. The traffic on the main road receives a yellow flashing signal indicating drivers should slow down proceed cautiously through the intersection. Meanwhile, the traffic on the sidestreets receives a red flashing signal, indicating drivers should stop, then proceed when safe to do so (i.e. when they can enter the intersection without interfering with approaching traffic). Note: This comes straight from Chapter 5 of the North Carolina Department of Transportation Division of Motor Vehicles Driver Handbook, available conveniently at your local DMV Office.
Unfortunately, this is not the typical occurrence when a signal is stuck in overnight flash. The typical occurrence is chaos. While some drivers on the main thoroughfare will proceed as instructed, others are mesmerized by the lights' pretty amber color, and they bring their vehicles to a complete stop, as they sit dazed and amused at the errant signal. This can be explained by brainwave frequency phenomena (BFP). The frequency of the flashing light is directly related to or directly inverse to the person's brainwaves, therefore causing something similar to an epileptic shock. Typically epileptic shock is caused by a much faster, strobing light. The difference in the epileptic and the BFP subject is that the BFP subject's brain operates at a much slower pace and with limited ability. The BFP subject also is affected by a stopped school bus across the median of a divided highway, or across three lanes of traffic, including the turning lane.
So if you ever get stuck at a flashing light because of some moran who won't go, it's likely that they may be retarded.
Footnote: BFP is probably not a real disease. I also apologize if I have offended any retarded people by associating them with the stupid.
(More)11 May, 2006
It's a picture, so what's your excuse?
I mean, come on, people...they don't even have the sign with the words on it anymore. It's a picture of a man walking across the street, or a big red/orange hand that means stop! You are an adult, but please think of the children...think of what you heard as a child, and think of what you tell your children. Wait for the sign to change! The sign doesn't lie, it was put there for your safety and my convenience! I want to plow over the next moron that walks across the street in front of my car when the sign has the don't walk hand steady on. Just in case you don't know what the symbols on the lighted signal mean, there is a sign with printed instructions that tells you how the thing operates!There I sat at the light, waiting my chance to make a left turn. Across the street I see two people. I knew these two people had no respect for others as they were standing on the street waiting to cross, not the curb. I just knew that as soon as my light was turning green, they would be meandering across the road. To my left, I see a gentleman dressed in his business attire, hoping to impress someone important at a meeting for which he was probably late already. He bounces back and forth from street to curb, waiting his golden opportunity when there are few enough cars coming that he feels he can make safe passage. I knew that when my light was turning green, he would probably end up in my way.
Green arrow! Finally! My turn to cross! It's not your turn to cross. Look at the signal! There's a big red hand, not a big white man. Just because the hand is red doesn't mean that indians are the ones to wait on the curb! This sign is for you, white man in his business suit! This sign is for you black women standing across the street from me! Look at the sign! Watch my truck and the line of cars behind me as we parade through the street! This is what the sign means!
So what would you assume happens? I'm ranting, so that should give you a big clue right there...THEY CROSS!!! ALL THREE OF THEM!!!! THEY GET IN MY WAY!!!!! MORANS!!! One of the impatient pedestrians sprints across the street, clearing the path for me to pass safely. One of the pedestrians jogs across my lane of travel, slowly, but efficiently making way for traffic. The final pedestrian moves as if she's headed to the electric chair. I think I saw dead lice falling off of her. She was slow. She was quite slow. In fact, I probably could have typed this blog entry while waiting for her to cross. That includes the time it took for me to search for the free stock photo shown above.
Did I glare? Slightly. Did I roll down my window and shout, "Hey you morans! The sign says don't walk! I could have run over you accidentally!" No, I didn't. I could have chosen to honk the horn until they were out of the way. That way, even if they had something to say, I wouldn't have heard them. No, I didn't do that either. I just continued upon my predetermined path, parked, came to work, and then took a moment to blog it all.
(More)
14 Apr, 2006
Views on the News
- Immigration
- Duke Lacrosse
- Income Taxes
- Pencil Assault
- SVHS Football Coach
- NVHS Prostitution Ring
- Teacher Sex with Students
19 Dec, 2005
Anyone Remember
Why is it, then, that most articles on WRAL's website are only three sentences in length? For instance: http://www.wral.com/news/5574306/detail.html
If that little happened, then it probably wasn't worth reporting.
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