16 Mar, 2008
TFP: Mid March Madness!!!
Hey y’all. It’s time for some more funny pages. Sooner or later I’m going to get around to
blogging about something meaningful to either your or me, but for now, I’ll
have a few jokes for ya.
We’ll start out with a few
quickies...
Quickie 1: No More
I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and
drinking too much and it scared the heck out of me. So I told myself,
"That's it!"
After today, no more reading.
Q2: I Feel Like a Bridge
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
The Doctor says, "What's come over you?"
The guy says, "Three cars and a truck!"
Q3: Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been
here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Q4: Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well
when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't,
can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."
Q5: Vegetative State
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about
a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.
He says to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the
plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
And now, sports: Bad Golfer
Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls
in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the
rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a
coincidence."
Political Commentary
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their
stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our
country.
Maybe we should give them all a cow.
And your groaner to go: Price of a Close
Shave
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him
up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks
in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
10 Mar, 2008
TFP: A Poem for Women
This one's dedicated to all you married women out there:
A Poem for Women
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like
my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't
mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an
answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and SMACKED
him...
Like his Mother used to do.
19 Feb, 2008
TFP: Tender Missionary Treats
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
14 Feb, 2008
TFP: "My Redneck Valentine" by Anon.
Collards are green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flappin in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in may.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth
for which I am proud.
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed..
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete.
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me "n" you's like a moon pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for a Valentine's Day,
they git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
for the cooler at Krogers,
that's impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever",
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you..
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds....
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!
04 Feb, 2008
TFP: Brave Firefighters
One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.
In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.
Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.
The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"
31 Jan, 2008
TFP: How'd he die?
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Whoa, what the happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him -- he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned him all up."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the heck did Mike die?"
"I shot him."
"You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?"
"The man was destroying my house!"
31 Jan, 2008
TFP: A redneck while visiting his yankee relative...
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
31 Jan, 2008
The Funny Pages (TFP): Green snakes can be dangerous!
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter
Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes. Here's why...
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of
potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a
little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had
warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She
let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out
into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was
a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees
to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the
behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on
the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered
him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants
rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and
started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under
the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the
hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so
she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it
was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But
while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the
snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out,
tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just
returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the
woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of
canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed
stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her
neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that
he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle
of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the
police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey,
and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them
all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green
snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa
and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake
and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it
shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The
other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into
the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the
street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked
police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by neighbors who
called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder
when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
wires and put out the power and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city
block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men
were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home,
the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A
while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for
that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in
their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her!!!
(Thanks Kay!)