10 Apr, 2008
To Be Continued...
This will be the last report from TheBig Blog (in its current incarnation anyway). As a kid, I used to rearrange my furniture every couple of months or so. (I always wondered why the bed was the only piece of bedroom furniture that had wheels on it.) That’s basically what I’m doing here. I’m moving my blogging over to Stephen’z Page. I don’t know what else I have personal over at TheBigWhiteWolf.com, but it will likely end up there, as well. I’m not going to give you a new e-mail address to memorize, because let’s face it: I don’t want to change my address everywhere.
Don’t fret, as Stephen’z Blog will be just as fun and entertaining as TheBig Blog. I think it looks prettier, and I know it is more functional. Hopefully, the new commenting system will be much better than the last and I won’t be getting any spamvertisements for ED pills, watches, handbags, or handbags containing ED pills and watches.
Anyways, I know you’re itching for a link to the address, so here goes:
blog.stephenzpage.com
Now, run check out what I said over there. :-)
-Stephen
I'm so glad we had this time together,
Just to have a laugh, and sing a song.
Seems we just got started and before we knew it
Came the time we had to say, 'So long.'
19 Mar, 2008
Honestly Sarah, you're not that bad...
Somehow, Sarah Jessica Parker
made it to the very top of the bottom (or would that be the bottom of the
bottom?) as a Maxim magazine article has recently named her the “Unsexiest
Woman Alive.” Really?
I mean, look at her. When it
comes to huhu grrr *stampa stampa*...okay, maybe that’s not the best set of
words (?) to use in this situation...but I mean, unsexy? Who votes on these things? More appropriately, who nominates people for
these things? Let’s look at the rest of
the top five:
- Amy Winehouse
- Sandra Oh
- Madonna
- Britney Spears
Okay, Amy Winehouse has really let herself go. Letting oneself go contributes to unsexy, which would explain Britney’s appearance on the list. (Let me take this opportunity to say that this isn’t a “Leave Sarah alone!!!” posting...) Sandra Oh portrays a mean character on Grey’s Anatomy, but is she really that bad? Madonna is pushing 50, so you can’t tell me she doesn’t look good for her age.
C’mon Maxim...you aren’t trying
hard enough. I’m sure you could look
through your list of celebrities and come up with some women who would make you
shudder! Granted, the first thought that
comes out of my head at 99% of who is on TV isn’t “now that’s an unattractive
woman right there.” I mean, what about
Hillary Clinton? She ain’t no Jackie-O. And have the people at Maxim never watched
The View? (Well, I haven’t seen The View
in its current incarnation, but a quick look at the website tells me that I’m
about half correct.)
Sarah is a good-looking woman. If she was as hideous as these people are making her out to be, I wouldn’t let her be on a poster in my living room. Perhaps we all need to tweak our sexy compasses? I mean, granted, if you don’t treat your body like it’s sexy, (Britney and Amy), then agreed, that’s not very sexy. However, if certain features are out of proportion, does that really mean unsexy? No! It means they’re real! Well...sometimes certain features can be VERRRY out of proportion and be quite artificial. I was meaning natural features. Even when the ears are small, the nose is long, the eyes are far apart, the hips are wide, etc., these women can be sexy, too.
So, try again, Maxim. This time, pick some real unsexy women...and good luck finding them.
16 Mar, 2008
TFP: Mid March Madness!!!
Hey y’all. It’s time for some more funny pages. Sooner or later I’m going to get around to
blogging about something meaningful to either your or me, but for now, I’ll
have a few jokes for ya.
We’ll start out with a few
quickies...
Quickie 1: No More
I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and
drinking too much and it scared the heck out of me. So I told myself,
"That's it!"
After today, no more reading.
Q2: I Feel Like a Bridge
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
The Doctor says, "What's come over you?"
The guy says, "Three cars and a truck!"
Q3: Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been
here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Q4: Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well
when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't,
can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."
Q5: Vegetative State
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about
a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.
He says to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the
plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
And now, sports: Bad Golfer
Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls
in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the
rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a
coincidence."
Political Commentary
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their
stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our
country.
Maybe we should give them all a cow.
And your groaner to go: Price of a Close
Shave
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him
up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks
in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
10 Mar, 2008
TFP: A Poem for Women
This one's dedicated to all you married women out there:
A Poem for Women
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like
my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't
mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an
answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and SMACKED
him...
Like his Mother used to do.
04 Mar, 2008
Believable math problem!
Here’s what we analytical type people do with their spare
time:
Today I received an e-mail with an “unbelievable math problem” in it. It told me to “grab a calculator” because I wouldn’t be able to do it in my head. Actually, if I had a piece of paper, a pencil, and a little bit of time, I wouldn’t need the calculator. Here’s the text of the e-mail:
Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in
your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT
the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
(250(80a+1)+2b-250)/2
Let’s clean that up by multiplying the 250 times the 80a+1…
(20000a+250+2b-250)/2
Well, the +250 and the -250 cancel each other out, so:
(20000a+2b)/2
And if we divide by 2…
10000a+b
Since a = the first three digits of your phone number, (let’s say 555), 10000a would equal 5550000. Remember, you just put the zeroes at the end and put your original number at the beginning or something like that. Then when you add b, the last four digits of your phone number (say 9999), you get 5559999.
Yeah, I wasn’t stumped. Mrs. Headley would be proud.
19 Feb, 2008
TFP: Tender Missionary Treats
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
14 Feb, 2008
Things you can learn from your dog...
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
14 Feb, 2008
TFP: "My Redneck Valentine" by Anon.
Collards are green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flappin in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in may.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth
for which I am proud.
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed..
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete.
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me "n" you's like a moon pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for a Valentine's Day,
they git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
for the cooler at Krogers,
that's impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever",
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you..
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds....
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!
12 Feb, 2008
Now hear this! Why Raleigh and Durham are experiencing water difficulties...
This is an open letter to the City of Raleigh that I received in a newsletter from Plant Delights Nursery in Raleigh, NC. It points the finger where the blame should be placed!
06 Feb, 2008
Check it out! How's THIS for lens envy?!?
I want one!!! But ya know, you've gotta have a nice tripod to go along with it... Yeah.
http://www.bhphotovideo.com/c/find/newsLetter/Mother-of-All-L-Lenses.jsp
Now you know why they call themselves "Canon." :-)
05 Feb, 2008
Check it out! Clean your screen!
Here's a neat way to clean your screen: http://www.linein.org/media/screenclean.swf
05 Feb, 2008
To Open: Lift Flap and Tear at End ----------->
WHY?!?
That is the big question. Why do they have to put instructions on how to open candy? Here I was thinking I had to buy Billy Mays's new and exciting Candy Opener 3000™. I was going to just tear it open without lifting the flap, but as it turns out, I had to lift the flap first. Ya know, the more I think about it, the worse this situation actually is. Many times I've tried following the instructions for opening many Hersheys products which have two ovals. One on the end says hold here, and the one on the flap says pull here. When I do that, the flap comes off in my hand and I have yet to see any exposed chocolate. Then I have to rely on the Candy Opener 3000™.
While pondering this, I happened to think of other products which tell us how to open them. Milk cartons, for instance, say "open other end." What is the difference between the two ends? Are they really made that differently? I can recall many times in school when I had trouble opening one end and I had to resort to opening the "wrong" end of the carton... Prescription bottles, I can see the need for how to open them. They actually require a little bit of extra thought, and when one is in need of medication, dexterity and thought processes typically don't come as easily as they do when one is well.
Ice Breakers Mints and Sours have a cutesy way of saying "open here" with their "to share" and "not to share" doors on their container. I don't want everyone's grubby little fingers on my mints. You'll get the "not to share" side just like I will. I'll shake them out like Tic-Tacs.
04 Feb, 2008
TFP: Brave Firefighters
One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.
In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.
Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.
The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"
31 Jan, 2008
TFP: How'd he die?
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Whoa, what the happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him -- he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned him all up."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the heck did Mike die?"
"I shot him."
"You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?"
"The man was destroying my house!"
31 Jan, 2008
TFP: A redneck while visiting his yankee relative...
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"